he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
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