Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
