Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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