a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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