I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
