I heard we made out
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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