just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
