if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
