Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We left the knife in your bed.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
