I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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