Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
