3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
