I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
