Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
