I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
