I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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