Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
