I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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