My room smells like vodka and shame
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
