If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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