everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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