Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
