I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
