it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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