ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i dont even know how to be here
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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