Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Non-Jews are for practice
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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