I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
