I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
