btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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