Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
