I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
