new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
