i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
