Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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