My pussy is not your playground.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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