Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
