Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
whose ass print is on the piano?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I touched a dick in church today
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
