peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
