My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
