We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
