my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
