How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
