im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
