You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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