I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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