This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
