just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
