Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's shark week go big or go home
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
