I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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