im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
